Fat Stabbing

Don't think of it as whale shiving; think of it as morbidly obese acupuncture. Acupuncture has long been reported to help weight control, so to deal with a larger weight problem it seems fit to use larger, knife sized needles. But not only should you stab fat people because its a Chinese medical practice, there are other benefits as well. When you get stabbed, your body has to heal itself; to do this it needs energy and since people don't photosynthesize, this energy comes from your 400 pound body. So, every 1000 stabs could be equal to running about a mile or two. What about infection? Infections would also contribute to weight loss, getting sick is one of the healthiest ways to shed pounds. By now, most of you are convinced that you and your skinny friends are going to be humanitarian Ahabs, but some still wonder "Won't getting shived by strangers cause stress which can cause weight gain?". While stress can cause weight gain, being assalted daily should desensitize you to other stresses, resulting in even more weight loss. So, the next time you see somebody walking down the street, who is obviously struggling with obesity, lend them a helping shank.
WARNING:
Fat Stabbing is not for a few vanity pounds.
Not intended for miners(soot will get in your wounds).
Do Not actually attempt.