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Based on a true story

Once was a promising young linebacker and honor student. One night, he was at a party. He had quite enough to drink and while he was talking to a friend, he fell out the window. He became paralyzed from the neck down and had to spend the rest of his life in a wheel chair that moved by blowing into a straw. Unfortunately, the rest of his life wasn't much longer. Two months later, he was at the same house during another party and mixed up his beverage straw with his wheel chair straw and backed into the pool. Now, it is hard enough to pull a soaking wet quadriplegic out of a pool, but it is even harder to pull one out that is doing doughnuts in the deep end because their moving straw is malfunctioning. In conclusion, here lies Lucky O'Hurly.

Greatest Cross Promotion Ever

Bad Idea

Confucius Says:

Better knock that ho up before she leaves you for someone else

Drawing

Fat Stabbing

Don't think of it as whale shiving; think of it as morbidly obese acupuncture. Acupuncture has long been reported to help weight control, so to deal with a larger weight problem it seems fit to use larger, knife sized needles. But not only should you stab fat people because its a Chinese medical practice, there are other benefits as well. When you get stabbed, your body has to heal itself; to do this it needs energy and since people don't photosynthesize, this energy comes from your 400 pound body. So, every 1000 stabs could be equal to running about a mile or two. What about infection? Infections would also contribute to weight loss, getting sick is one of the healthiest ways to shed pounds. By now, most of you are convinced that you and your skinny friends are going to be humanitarian Ahabs, but some still wonder "Won't getting shived by strangers cause stress which can cause weight gain?". While stress can cause weight gain, being assalted daily should desensitize you to other stresses, resulting in even more weight loss. So, the next time you see somebody walking down the street, who is obviously struggling with obesity, lend them a helping shank.
WARNING:
Fat Stabbing is not for a few vanity pounds.
Not intended for miners(soot will get in your wounds).
Do Not actually attempt.

Drawing

Comment

So I've lost a few "battle of the blogs", whatever, it's fine, I don't cry myself to sleep because of it(there are other reasons). I'd just like to know whats up, I drew a penis on one of our founding fathers (scroll down) and I think I deserve some credit. But maybe you don't and it would be helpful if you voiced that opinion in the form of a comment. Now, on to those of you who acctually like my blog (if there are any), your comments would be appreciated too... maybe visit my website as well. You don't even have leave a screen name if you fear public persecution (you will deny me three times before the rooster crows). In conclusion, COMMENT, leave a positive, negative, or even spam comment; I don't care.

Abortion Clinic

Captain's Log Day 43

We've made it to the summit, too bad we totally forgot the flag. We had to leave a bed sheet (of questionable cleanliness) attached to peg arm pete's arm to mark our journey. Half the crew has died and we are completely out of food. I was expecting to have some of the crew die, but to die from overeating is just rude. Luckily my stash of fruit snacks hasn't be found yet. I fear that when it does, it will cause a mutiny, or I'll have to share the blue ones. The steady wind should keep us sailing swiflty down the mountain and we should be back to port in five... we're back to port.

Standard Procedure

When you are a little kid, besides firefighter and pr0n star, you dreamed of becoming a police officer. But I don't think I could handle being able to "discharge my weapon" and getting an automatic day off. Wanting to play video games or go fishing would probably make me a pretty trigger happy cop. POLICE REPORT: Officer Johnson and Officer Smiley were on patrol when they spotted, what they described as, a "surly" raccoon. Both officers fired liberally at the rodent for their own safety, reloaded and fired twice more for "good measure". At which time Officer Smiley remarked about how he was going to "bowl a perfect 300" tomorrow.

Countries

Russia "Yeah, Germany can be such a b*tch... unless you're on her good side"
Ukraine "I know, I mean I love her to death, but c'mon"
Russia "at least she isn't stuck up like France"
Ukraine "yeah, nobody really likes her, she just hangs out with everybody"
...
Ukraine "did you know the US smokes pot"
Russia "NO way!"
Ukraine "yeah, all the time, her and Canada"
Russia "Well I knew Canada did"

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In the news you never hear about second world countries, only first and third. I looked deeply into the matter and found out that second world refers to the communist countries of the cold war. So if the world is dodgeball, the first world team is everybody on Timmy's side, second world is everybody on Johnny's side, and third world is the kidnergarteners, who haven't developed enough to play. Luckily the cold war never got past picking sides.